Como una Gitana

Mi destino es andar
Mis recuerdos
Son una estela en el mar
Y va liviano
Mi corazón gitano
Que solo entiende de latir
A contramano
No intentes amarrarme
Ni dominarme
Yo soy quien elige
Como equivocarme

Lyrics from Shakira's song Gitana. 

      After reading all my posts I realized that my destiny is to walk, to travel, to never stop. This could be a curse and it could also be a blessing. Since a little girl it was a dream of mine to just never be part of one place. I used to say, which is amazing for me, that I wanted to have been born in the sea that way I would belong nowhere, I was from everywhere, I would be citizen of the world. And I was only a child when I said that. So now looking back its obvious that that's what is in my future to be part of everything. I still don't know how this will be but its already starting, or started. And I will fight it no longer. This has been part of me and I have held back. 

      And I listen to this song and it just keeps playing in my head. Its true. I will go places, I will meet people, photograph, live, learn, breath, cry, laugh. It will be part of my life. And that will be my adventure. My life is an adventure. No plans, just rough drafts. Where ever life takes me I will go.

Maybe this is what emos feel...

Does anybody ever feel like, stabbing your arm multiple times, or maybe chewing on your finger until your left with only the bone, or maybe you have considered driving forward without stopping that way you will just crash and die, maybe your less dramatic and just want to stop blinking for a while until your eye sockets dry up like prunes. Yes, we have all been there, those certain moments where life makes no sense.  Where you find your self living in autopilot with nowhere to go specifically. We have all made plans for our future and seen life run over them and do as it pleases with your pathetic so called life. And yes, we have also had those moments when we feel enlighten where everything is peachy, Rosie, and beautiful. Well right now, I envy you. For me you hold the world in your fingertips you are one with the spirit of life. Because right now in these precise moments for me, life is non existent. We all make bad choices and these choices lead to consequences. And these in return leave us with plenty of sentiment of embarrassment, neglect, sadness and pure melting of our higher capacities. Because after we realize the stupid choices we have made we also realize we can do absolutely nothing, zero, zip, nada, to just erase it and start over. Instead we have to learn to give up the fight for only a second and just let the winds of our future lead us to the unknown. But in the meantime you just sit on your ass on a couch just killing yourself in your imagination too just ease the pain. And of course we just have to breath, hold our breath and think of what plans we will do next.

Un escape otro mundo

     Luego de haberme sentido libre, que por fin podria volar, nuevamente me siento atrapada en una jaula. Necesito un escape, necesito libertad. Las cosas de la vida me atan a esta isla. Responsabilidades, sentimientos ajenos, miradas, abrazos, futuro, libros y amigos. 

     Siento que mi vida entera esta desmoronandose y no se si es la edad, si es porque me gradue o si es porque no tengo ni PUTA idea de que hacer con mi vida, no siento mis pies. Camino en una direccion oculta. No le quiero hacer da~o a nadie, pero no me quiero hacer da~o a mi. Me limite muchas veces por otros y no lo quiero hacer mas. No quiero que nadie me siga pero nadie me esta siguiendo. No se que hacer me siento ahogada. Quiero largarme, y eso creo que es la mejor opcion. Irme por un rato, a pensar, a estar sola, a no sentir que le debo a nadie. QUIERO SER LIBRE. O sera que ya lo soy y no se que hacer ahora que la encontre, no se, realmente no se...

A divided mind, a divided Island

     Maybe I did not mention that I was Puertorican, well I am. Just recently President Obama visited our small but big at heart island. Puertoricans waited for the first visit of a president after 50 years after the Kennedy's arrival, much came to my mind.

     While sitting in my uncomfortable sofa watching the news, I was fascinated by the fact that a lot has changed since the Kennedy's. Of course we have streets and people have food and shoes, but people don't accumulate in the streets waiting for a President full of promises and hopes. People don't believe in these things any more. Of course there were a few people but the enthusiasm was not the same.

     And then there was the performance of the President. It was amazing, I thought he was giving a free concert. He ran out that air plain threw his jacket to his assistant and waved and smiled at the public. Some say he is just a simple man, who is humble and wants not only to be part of the people but wants there understanding, and others believes he is just being unprofessional and demonstrating to have no capacity of ruling.

     And his speech...It was short, straight to the point and totally out of point. By this I mean he said nothing we had not heard before. But only one of the things he said was true: "when the Puertorican people have a clear decision" of what they want for their status (remember we are still a American colony) his administration would back us up. Well, of this I can say, its true but not true. For he is in some way blaming the Puertorican of still being a colony when only the Congress can decide, they have the final word on our status. But it is true that the puertoricans have a divided island, some want independence others want to be the 51st state. And what do I think of this...?

The beauty of ants...

So this is what I posted as my Facebook status:

Tomar la brocha en una mano es llamar la lluvia con la otra! Oh Madre Diosa, Madre Naturaleza, Madre de cada ser vivo, dejame pintar mi hogar para que hormigas, perros, lagartijos y humanos podamos coexistir en una casa limpia y fresca!

 Witch means:

Taking a painting brush in one hand is summoning the rain with the other! Oh Mother Nature, Mother of all living things, let me paint my home that way ants, dogs, lizards and humans can coexist in a fresh clean house.

Why do I write this? Well, recently I have had the obsession, well not recently nor obsession more like new way of viewing things, what if, and I mean IF, god was a woman or better yet, not a woman nor a man, just this big mass of energy, whatever the case I rather belevie its a woman. Anywho, I was painting my house and while doing so, I was thinking about how weird it is to be human. We are these animals who are not so different from others, they say we are different because we speak, comunicate, but is it not true that other animals comunicate and have there own way of speaking with each other? And others say that we have choice, but what if animals choose there way of life. I dont know, these are just random thoughts and really, I am not crazy nor am I dumb, I have read a lot, and like I mentiond on my earlier post a graduate student. But these thoughts invade my mind like some kind of bubbles that burst together and form these weird patterns that come to life when im alone writing, reading, painting etc. Anyway, this is not what I was going to write.

            The thing is that I saw these ants. And they were carriying the mother ant, and relizing that maybe my foot stept on there house, or maybe the paint was intoxicating them, or maybe she just wanted to go for a stroll, the point is that they work together they help each other, not just because they have to, but because they know thats there way of surviving, TOGETHER. So why cant we humans do the same…?

A new year, a new Journey...

How do I start...

Well, I've noticed that I don't have a point. I don't have a point for this blog. I had decided I would use it to write whatever came to mind, but, noticing how every other blog has a sense of direction it seems to me I have to find one. But what exactly? 

After finally finishing my bachelors degree I think the best thing to write about is this new Journey. In this blog I will write about everything that will happen, everything I find interesting and all the funny things that I will do. I have always wanted to travel but I think destiny has made me hold on that. I wanna go to Europe. And I want to go this year, so that will be my goal. 

Plus, I recently got a 1979 vintage camera 'cause I love photography so, that will probably be one of the other subjects I will write about. I love that camera, and after all the years spend dreaming of having one it is finally here. It has a Micro lens, flash, and in awesome conditions. I took my first pictures this weekend, and after waiting a whole day to get my pictures the machine thingy in CVS died, so, I have to wait even more before I get them. 

But that's not the point of this entry, all I want to say is that I really don't have direction in this blog. Kinda like my life. And that's what you will be reading here. Whatever comes to mind, whatever happens this year. I have a lot of plans. And I want to have proof that everything that I mention today will be done. So in order to do this I will do a list of stuff. And write about it, after this year I will go back to this blog to see how I did.  WHAT DO YOU THINK?!

So here it goes:

• Travel anywhere in the US
• NY
• NJ

• Six Flags
• Canada
• Rome, Italy
• Learn a little guitar
• Help out as a volunteer
• get a real job
• learn photography 
• be part of a photography expo   
• Read lots of books and review them

...

I will be posting more stuff when I remember them...

So~ar...

Hace mucho tiempo deje de vivir, deje de existir, mi cuerpo vagaba por los extra~os sucesos de la vida. No me sentia parte de nada, estuve fuera, fuera de mi. No me encontraba, me busque y no me encontraba. Busque en otros seres, busque en objetos, busque entre letras. No me encontre. Mis manos se esforzaban por sentir calor, pero senti frio. Mi mente ya no era. Mi espiritu ya no era. La felicidad no era parte de mi. Aunque la sonrisa si. Mi risa fue forzada. Fue mentira, exigia sin poder dar. Lo que alguna vez habia, se perdio. Y lo buscaba.

Nade entre mares de incertidumbre, pero aparente estar a flote. No queria ayuda, no queria que me vieran. Queria desaparecer.

Ahora siento que vivo, nuevamente siento la brisa, nuevamente siento calor, siento alegria. No trato de ser lo que no soy. No busco en otros lo que no tengo. Solo soy. Soy yo. Soy feliz. Puedo dar, porque tengo, tengo vida, tengo sue~os, tengo alas. Quiero volar, porque puedo. Me siento libre. Ya no estoy atada. Ahora estoy feliz.

No te necesito. No los necesito. Pero los quiero. Los quiero conmigo. Te quiero conmigo. Decido estar contigo. Decido estar con ustedes. Los quiero, porque puedo, porque quiero.

Mas que nada te quiero a ti. A ti, que siempre estuviste, que me llenas, que me haces sentir, lo que alguna vez tuve sue~os de sentir.